Amish Kinney

History of Origin: Left his home which was really never his home in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, whining  about gentrification and the lack of “real culture” in NYC. In the back of his mind he constantly wonders after leaving NY if his entire look is even still relevant.

Occupation: Unemployed, parents are rich. Works for Vice part-time.

Recognizable Features: A very long beard, an expensive handmade hat, cone mill denim jeans, work boots (the work is implied), expensive pocket knife. Looks like a Hasidic Jew or an Amish person with at least $1,500 worth of expensive gear on at all times that is so benign or non-descript it could have come from an L.L. Bean catalogue but is really from places far more obscure that you wouldn’t know anything about.

Behavior Patterns: Polarizing figure at all times. Dominates conversations with condescending, pretentious and patronizing discourse. Uses beard oil and visits the barber once weekly. Studies Kinfolk and Monocle magazine to have a better understanding of what should interest him.

Language: Can be overheard discussing the merits of single origin coffee or the higher contrast  fade patterns of Japanese denim VS American denim. Wants to learn welding and how to make his own cheese at home. Uses the words artisanal,curated and heritage frequently. By the time you read this he will have moved on to other topics and deemed you unintelligent.

Where to find him: Rose Bowl Flea Market, Abbot Kinney, Vice Media, Intelligentsia, Blue Bottle, Ceramics Class, Gjusta, The Stronghold, Stag.

Synthetic Nouveau Surfer Bro

History of Origin: The Midwestern States, discovered surfing in his 30’s in a wave-pool.

Occupation: Real estate, restaurant owner, owns a chain of private gym’s or a cold pressed juice business.

Recognizable Features: Can be seen driving a convertible Porsche with board awkwardly dangling out the back. Zero percent body fat, feels no shame in doing some light grocery shopping in his wetsuit.

Language: Loves to talk “surf” and will go to great lengths to somehow fit it into the context of a conversation. Extreme over usage of the word, bro, brah, or bru. Uses metaphors for surfing whenever possible. “Surfing is my meditation,” “Surfing has taught me everything there is to know about life,” etc.

Behavior Patterns: Has started his own “Surfing Club” for like minded bros in Venice, which teaches courses on ding repair, the history of surfing, and how to properly network while in the ocean. Is extremely prone towards “surf gadgetry”, like GoPros, drones, tide watches,  as well as any other devices that can either film or somehow improve his surfing. He is going through the awkward stages of being a grommet (a phase that real surfers go through when they are pre-pubescents) in his adulthood. Goes on surf retreats and visits surf camps to improve his surfing. In his free time he hangs out at Mollusk trying to start a conversation with Chad Marshall, hoping to hear something he can parrot at a later date. Surfing photos on his Tinder profile.

Where to find him: CrossFit, trolling lineups on a SUP, night clubs, yoga retreats, surf camps worldwide.

Top Knot AKA Baby Pony

History of Origin: Top knot is fairly recent incarnation not to be confused with its distant cousin, The Man Bun. Top Knot AKA Baby Pony is a douche hybrid originally aborted by NYC (possibly from Sydney) migrated to L.A., circa 2013 while the “Boardwalk Empire” (undercut) haircuts were still “on trend” but do to lack of resources or funds to get a haircut has decided to religiously dedicated the hair from his undercut to the top of his head into a baby ponytail. He wholeheartedly believes he is starting a new trend with his inadequate, feeble, little ponytail.

Occupation: Actor, trendy retail, fashion blogger, personal trainer, waiter at Chateau Marmont.

Behavior Patterns: Religiously follows fashion blogs, secretly uses makeup and bronzer. Extreme fetishization of his weak, spiritless ponytail which he caresses with waxes, pomades, creams and gels every half hour or so. Times his shopping at Venice Whole Foods to be there at prime singles hours. Thinks the term metro sexual is an actual sexual orientation. Trades accessories with his other male friends.

Recognizable Features: Linus bicycle, hats, skinny jeans rolled up, leather wrist cuffs, bracelets, nose piercing, designer belt buckle, wide brimmed hats, neckerchiefs.

Where to find him: Barney’s Co Op, Zinque, casting calls, Bungalow.

Loose Hippy Bitch (LHB)

History of Origin: Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Santa Barbara

Occupation: Yoga instructor, self proclaimed healer, crystal therapy specialist.

Behavior Patterns: Will sleep with your boyfriend in a bathroom at a party in the time it takes you to get a drink at the bar and will tell you about it afterwards. Prone to occasional gluten-laden binge eating followed by aggressive colonics. Believes Reiki will cure her rampant addiction to cocaine. There is no amount of binge drinking or over indulgent drug taking that a juice fast, wheat grass and the amino acid 5 Htp can’t cure. Clogging the Instagram feed with selfies in yoga poses.

Recognizable Features: An incredible ass. Yoga pants. Crystals for jewelry. Kombucha in hand, printed bell bottoms, floral headbands, drives a Prius.

Language: Talks about toxins in the body incessantly. Can be overheard complaining about the price gouging going on with Coachella tickets. Burning man just isn’t the same as it was in 2012. Meat is murder. Talks about one day moving to Ojai. Namaste.

Where to find her: Moon Juice, Cafe Gratitude, Coachella, yoga retreats, Whole Foods, on her parents land in Topanga.

Silicon Beach Startup Scrote

History of Origin: Silicon Valley / SF / NYC

Occupation: Agency Producer / Serial Entrepreneur / Creative Technologist / Snapchat Partner / Social Media Expert

Behavior Patterns: Purchasing entire blocks in Venice so he doesn’t have to have neighbors. Lavish parties and social gatherings to attract women in hopes of someday having sexual intercourse with someone other than his himself. Talks constantly, apologizes for being late, but being late is actually intentional to look busy.

Recognizable Features: Smart phone out at all times. Looks slightly out of place – like he’s trying really hard to “dress down” and look “laid back” in Venice. Always networking and in between meetings.

Language: Agrees with everything you say, but is never really listening, only contemplating what to say next. Uses a lot of tech / industry lingo like, “responsiveness”, “VR”, “ROI”, “RFP”, “going viral”, “let’s pivot”, “trending”, “design sprint”, “meta”.

Where to find him: Waiting for his condo to be finished on Jefferson, power lunches all over Abbott Kinney, making the rounds at all the ad agencies. In a meeting about a meeting. On Tinder, Snapchat, or the next revolutionary social media app.